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• It's a max of 150 characters per entry, right? And you're supposed to answer the Q: What am I doing right now, right?
• Free Agent Day. Also Canada's birthday. Expect fireworks either way. Turn on TV.
  
• TSN's showing tennis. Are they insane? Nobody watches tennis except old ladies. I pay extra for this?
  
• Break in the action; spastic Mike Toth with an update on Anna Pornkikova getting in some kind of brawl.

• Flick to Sportsnet. Showing last night's highlights for the 23rd consecutive hour.
• Wait. Am I mixing up my blow-dried idiot sports announcers? Better take a dump. Help clears the mind.
• Check the Algores. Sedinbots re-signed for $6 million. We can look forward to being bored to death for another 5 years.
  
• TSN suggests I check out Darren Dreger's Twit account. Every 2nd entry tells me to check tsn.ca. Circular logic confuses me.
• Those Bran Flakes sure tasted good. Also the milk. Mmm. Breakfast.
• Now TSN is replaying a match of patsies they showed earlier this morning. Has anyone played tennis since 1975?
• 1975. Farrah Fawcett just died. Completely overshadowed by MJ's demise. Excellent joke about The Glove One.
• There's no better time to buy a Ford. Also no better time to bang your head against a wall or burn money in the fireplace.
• Guy at work calls it a place of "ill-fated promises." That's so much awesome I had to share it.
• Doug Maclean thinks the Oilers deal for Heatley was better than the Rangers deal. But he doesn't know the Rangers' top-up.
  
• Other things Maclean doesn't know: Much of anything.
  
• Kypreos has brain damage. I'm certain of it.
• Although I Tweedle as Art Vandelay, I am not an importer-exporter.
  
• Sportsnet seems to think I care about the BC Lions. They would be wrong.
• Panthers re-sign Antonin Dvorak to a 2-year deal. I thought he peaked with his 4th Symphony.
• Wow. There must be 27 teams in the CFL. Or Sportsnet is covering every player on every team.
  
• Memo to CFL: Please fold already.
• Hey. Who hasn't paid up yet? Remember: Step 1: Pay fees. Step 2: ? Step 3: Profit.
• Is it too early for Brian Burke to issue a press release full of excuses for not accomplishing anything today?
• Ad for Bruno. Law of Diminishing Returns may be kicking in with Mr. Funny Pants.
• Dany Heatley: Douchebag? Or Greatest Douchebag?
  
• Why show a sport where the winner is known before the tourney starts? Federer for the Gents; a Williams for the, um, other gents.
• TSN: More tennis. Sportsnet: BJ's BB. Score: Some fat guy talking about Manny Ramirez.
  Very 1992.
• Fat guy is still on. What's The Score's budget for guests? Bag of Cheetos? Brutal.
• Hewitt v Roddick. Might as well show Bjorg v McEnroe. None will be winning Wimbledon this year.
• Does anybody know why Gainey traded for Gomez? It's like he wants to ruin the Habs. I heartily endorse his methods.
• Dreger says Roloson testing market; Oils need starter. Damn. That's some fine reporting right there. Also: sun rises in east.
• Ohlund signs for $24.5M over 7 in TBL. We need to get Len Barrie in our pool.
• The cat says, "hi."
  
• TSN Panel discusses the Gomez trade. Gainey's sanity questioned.
• Panger refers to Gomez as a small "cennamen."
• Shit, this whole thing's on TSN2 right now. Right there on the boob tube. Good thing I pay $150 a month for cable.
• What do the Olympics have to do with free agent frenzy? It's a pond-hockey tourney. Who cares?
• Jay Feaster could lose a few lbs.
• Herman Munster says NHL teams have spent a billion dollars over the past July Firsts.
  
• In related news: Ed Belfour wants to make a comeback.
• The spastic bald guy thinks it's outstanding for TBL to sign Ohlund for $25M to mentor Vic Hedman.
  
• Cheaper alternative: Lars-Erik Sjoberg as assistant coach for about a hundred grand a year.
• Ex-jocks: Not very good at economics.
• If the Sausages are taunted with "1985" are the Chainsaws taunted with "infinity" or "null data set"?
• Not currently working for the Calgary Flames: eldest brother Gary Sutter. Still working the farm.
• As of this writing, Sans Aide have not yet acquired the 3rd, 6th and 7th picks in the 2009 OSHL rookie draft.
• Cue The Reporters: Hossa may jump to the Hawks. They rip the guy for not chasing the money last year.
  
• Fn. Media. Douchebags.
  
• Kovalev still unsigned. Why would anyone bother. Really?
• What The World Needs Now is not more Priuseses. Hippies. Or Burt Bacharach revivals.
• Though this was cool:
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• Spuds McKenzie says Kubina may be dealt to ATL or Omsk Avanguard.
• Panger talking long-legged goaltenders.
• Which reminded me of this song.
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• Dreger twits that TSN reports that Brian Burke is in Europe. So are 450 million fucking Europeans.
• Another guy at work referenced a dude who lived off the land for 9 months. Completely off the grid.
  
• Expected a "Thoreau" or "Walden" reference. Got "just like in that movie, 'Backdraft.' " OK, not Backdraft. But you get the drift.
• I wanted the Sedins to sign deals in separate cities. Who would know whether the guy who showed at camp was Hank or Dan?
• Dreger on air saying the Hawks got Hossa. Spuds says it's a $5M cap hit for 12 years. That's still $59M more than The Reporters make combined.
• Jay Feaster says 12 years is too much. Panger says $5M good, but 12 years may be too much.
  
• Hey, RETARDED ex-jocks:It's just a way of stretching out the total contract value to make the cap hit doable.
  
• FKN RETARDS.
• Spuds reports that TBL has signed somebody named Matt Walker, Texas Ranger. Not related to Paul Ranger, also a TBL D.
• Avs sign Craig Anderson to steal Petr Budaj's job at camp. Pierre bolts from desk like his wife just went into labour.
• Brian Burke still in Sweden trying to lure this guy to TOR.
• My wife just went into labour. I kid. She hasn't slept with the pool boy for at least a year. I'm joking, people.
• Brent Wallace reporting from Ottawa: Dany Heatley still a world-class douchebag. Also: a bad driver.
• If Bryan Murray were as vindictive as I am he'd assign Heatley to Ak-Bars-Kazaam in the KHL for the next 7 years.
• Panger says Spezza can Toureug with the best of them. The Edsel laughs at your goofy Swedish moniker:
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• John Loo reporting from MTL. Is that tape holding his glasses together?
• Teams are bidding for Alex Kovalev? Are we in that Seinfeld episode whether George does everything opposite to his instincts?
• Frank Beauchemin wants $4.5M a year? Who does he think he is? Jeff Finger?
• Saku heading out of MTL. I actually agree with Pierre that he got a raw deal from Habs fans. Ingrates.
• Feaster talking about GMs being responsible with their money. Up next: Charlie Sheen talks about restraint w/ hookers & blow.
• Pierre pounding on the Habs right now. Barely avoids saying, "Just give me the GM's job already."
• T.O. signs an Orr. Not Bobby. That Burke is a genius.
• Herman Munster wants to talk about Burke not doing anything. Pierre's suit looks like it's made of velvet.
  
• Islanders sign Roloson for $5M over 2. Anybody have Floyd Whitney's number?
• I heard Belfour's available.
• Munster wants to get back to the Leafs. I guess he's bored talking about teams not named "1-9-6-7."
  
• Minny named Jim Nill Assistant TO the General Manager. Dwight Schrute remains Assistant General Manager.
• Ford dealers offering Employee Pricing. Can I get the Employee Bailout?
• It's not Delivery. It's in-freakin'-edible.
  
• Kopecky also headed to CHI. Something about Czechoslovakia and Wisconsin, for you Stripes fans.
• Yah, I know, Illinois. But that's not Winger's line in the movie.
  
• Rolo headed to the Charles Wang Retirement Complex and Looney Bin.
  
• The Reporters cued up to rip Roloson for chasing the money.
  
• Farber takes it in another direction. Suggests it's a case of players not wanting to be in Edmonton.
  
• Chris Stevenson calls Edmonton the "Winnipeg of the old NHL." Ow. That's the deepest cut of all.
  
• Farber says this is a black mark on the city.
  
• That guy in the middle brings up Heatley just to rub that one in a little more.
  
• Then he mentions how Heatley came to Canada where nobody would care that his best friend died because of his crappy driving.
  
• Dave Hodge talks about Jacob Gustavsson like Godot. We're all waiting for him, you see.
  
• Farber says Gustavsson could be "Swedish for Fabian Brunstrom."
  
• Just like "Farber" is English for "idiot."
  
• Gabby still on the big board. TSN has Rob Scuderi ranked as the 12th most-wanted UFA.
  
• I've traded guys based on seeing one shift. I run a spectacularly unsuccessful roti team.
  
• What would an NHL GM's excuse be for signing Scuderi based on one shift?
• Pierre is nearly crowding Gino right off the screen. Dude: Personal Space.
• What happened to the concept of a news desk? Does standing make it more believable?
  
• Just checked Lowetide. Remarkable lack of panic over the Roloson defection.
  
• Frank Brimsek still available.
  
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• Panel likes Bouwmeester.
• Caps sign Mike Knuble. Beavers have him Bc1 3.40.
• The Oilers: Fucked? Or Totally Fucked?
  
• Farhan Lalji reporting from Vancouver. Fkn Hippies. Sorry. Reflex.
• Feaster thinks losing Ohlund is huge. There isn't a person in VAN who'd agree.
• Ohlund was under-rated once upon a time. Now: just old.
• Rod Smith at the TSN main desk. OK, this guy is a total pro.
  
• Just reads the straight facts and reads them note-perfect every time.
  
• No funny stuff. No spastic reflexes.
• Doesn't talk like a hoser or suck wind at every sentence.
• The thing about The World's Most Interesting Man is that he isn't.
• By simply combining all their inefficient accounts into a Manudeath One account, Mike & Sarah realize they're totally fucked.
  
• I neglected to mention I still have Tommy Gun Vokoun, the undisputed No. 1 in FLA.
  
• Lineup forms to the left.
• Conkablonk signs with STL. Guess he won't be in the Winter Classic. Also: The Stanley Cup playoffs.
  
• Pierre and Gino talking about Scuderi like he's Bobby Orr going to the Hawks. Come on, already.
  
• I've seen weddings where the couple didn't stand as close as Pierre and Gino.
  
• Over on the TSN main network, Ivan Lendl is dominating Stan Smith.
  
• The Reporters back on. Farber says Fools Rush In on July 1. GMs can't help falling in love.
  
• Marek Malik just went for $4M. I jest.
  
• Farber says the Ducks signing Selanne for $1M and winning the Cup was a great signing.
  
• Farber also thinks Newton discovering gravity was a great move.
  
• Lawn sure is full of dandelions. House sold so I've gone from not caring to really not caring.
• Do you know that if you put something out front with a "Free" sign next to it, people will take anything?
• Pierre would rather have Chara in OTT than Redden. He'd also rather have the horse in the barn rather than in the neighbour's field.
• Pierre talking riddles again to try hiding the fact he's lobbying for Gainey's job.
  
• Spaghetti for lunch. Could be looking at nap time.
  
• Habs lock up Jack Spacek. Johnny Deppe did a good job playing him in that pirate movie.
  
• Herman Munster's picking up Brian Williams' habit of looking just off camera like something critical is unfolding.
  
• Oilers may be getting Khabby. Is he chasing the money or chasing the chance to win the Cup? Satire.
• Panger says Khabby is a rhythmic goaltender. Most teams prefer their goalies employ the butterfly method.
• Presser for Bouwmeester. This oughta be good. Has the reputation for being the White Grant Fuhr.
  
• With apologies to the Purina Boners owner, who was tagged with that by the Brontos years ago.
  
• Holy shit is Sutter inarticulate. Is it the lack of teeth?
  
• Oh my god, Bouwmeester's already putting me to sleep.
  
• He can actually speak in complete sentences but take some Dale Carnegie man. Pro-JECT, man.
  
• This is your accountant on drugs.
• Media Jackass: "Are you surprised CAL was able to change your mind about going to free agency?"
• "Yes, I was totally surprised when my brain called to inform me it had changed my mind. I didn't see it coming."
  
• Back to Sutter. Could it be that he's been kicked in the head by a horse too many times?
• Back to the panel: Pang and Feaster were snoring.
  
• This just in: Khabby's wife rejects Oiler offer.
• $15M for Khabby when you could have had Roloson for $5M? What in the name of Glen Sather is going on there?
• Gino at the Big Board. "If you're looking for a gritty defenceman, Mike Komisarek is still there."
  
• It's the NHL Shopping Network.
  
• Pierre can't believe MTL wouldn't chase Frankie Beauchemin. "I totally would if I were the Habs GM."
  
• Gino says Cammaleri is worth every penny if you're looking for a goal scorer. Is Gino collecting commission?
• Sham Wow guy is on. Undisputed commercial king now that Billy Mays is dead. Are you following me, funeral guy?
• Wouldn't want to invade the plane survivor's privacy, or anything:
  
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• TOR looking to sign Chris Neil and Eddie Shore.
• Several teams feeling out Gaborik's tender groin.
  
• CFL opens tonight on TSN. I could go the rest of my life and never watch another CFL game.
  
• Clemmenson goes to FLA. Hope it works out better than when he went to Germany.
  
• Spuds says there is no market for Dany Heatley.
  
• Nap time.