Dean Lombardi Takes a Dump

Let's not pretend this trade had anything to do with the on-ice product.


Phil Anschlutz: "This Boots thing is putting a dent in the bottom line. Where can we cut costs where nobody will notice?

AEG accountant: "Kings payroll."

Anschlutz: "Miss Kravitz. Get Lombago in here."

Kravitz: "Sir, you mean, Mr. Lombardi."

Anschlutz: "Yeah, whoever runs the Kings. Get him in here."

.......

Lombardi: "You wanted to see me, Phil?"

Anschlutz: "You know and I know that you know that I know the team sucks, right Dave?"

Lombardi: "Uh, that's 'Dean,' sir."

Anschlutz: "So here's the deal, Don. The Kings fill the building 41 times a year. They're a slightly better draw than roller hockey and wrestling, but they're expensive."

Lombardi: "Where you going with this?"

Anschlutz: "We need you to cut payroll. Down to the bone. Who's your most expensive player?"

Lombardi: "Since we dumped Cloutier, it's Visnovsky."

Anschlutz: "He any good?"

Lombardi: "Only our best defenceman."

Anschlutz: "We won any Cups with him?

Lombardi: "No."

Anschlutz: "We make the playoffs with him?"

Lombadi: "Not for the last five years."

Anschlutz: "Get rid of him."

Lombardi: "Where to?"

Anschlutz: "Anywhere. Try to trade him for picks."

Lombardi: "I dunno, Phil. Teams usually want you to take back salary."

Anschlutz: "You mean we have to take back a coupla sacks of shit just so we can unload this Vaseline guy's paycheque?"

Lombardi: "That's about it."

Anschlutz: "Well get er done."

..........

ring....ring....ring...

Kevin Lowe: "Hello, Kevin Lowe here."

Lombardi: "Kev. Dean Lombardi. Let's talk."

Lowe: "What's on your mind, Dean?"

Lombardi: "Boss wants me to cut payroll. Visnovsky's gotta go. You got any room for an overpaid blueliner?"

Lowe: "Ooh, timing's not good, Dean. I'm taking a lot of heat for throwing the bank at Souray. Staios had pictures of me so I had to pay him off. And Pitkanen's looking for a big raise."

Lombardi: "OK, I hear ya. How about if I agree to take some slug off your hands?"

Lowe: "Does it matter what position they play?"

Lombardi: "Nope. But I can't take back more than $3.5M because that's half of Visnovsky's salary this year. And the guy can't be signed for more than two years. We need to be able to walk away from the guy."

Lowe: "Give me five minutes and I'll call you back."

......................

Lowe pins Oilers roster on wall opposite his desk. Closes eyes. Throws three darts.

One hits Green. Another hits Stoll. The other glances off "World's Greatest GM" coffee mug Lowe's kids bought him for Christmas and falls to the floor.

......................

Lowe: "Dean-o. I gotta couple of names for you."

Lombardi: "Shoot."

Lowe: "How about Green. Two more years at $1.15M. And Stoll. One more year at $2.2M. Green can't skate. We drafted him back when we didn't think the new rules would stick. And Stoll was gonna be good but his head got bounced around. He's done."

Lombardi: "Sounds like a perfect fit. Consider it a done deal."

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