Friday, September 21, 2007

Five-word NHL previews

Smythe Division
Colorado Is Theodore French for "Astrom".
Minnesota Lemaire hockey bores people senseless.
Vancouver Ongo bongo nobody beats Luongo.
Calgary When will Mount Keenan erupt?
Edmonton Glory years available on Betamax.

Silicone Tits Division
San Jose Cyborg Wilson's act wearing thin.
Anaheim Self-proclaimed genius at work.
Dallas Was Cup win a dream?
Los Angeles 41-night filler at Staples.
Phoenix Coyotes a Mickey Mouse organization.

AHL Division
Detroit Running up score on pansies.
St. Louis Best of a bad lot.
Nashville Moving vans packed for KC.
Columbus New rule: No more Newfies.
Chicago Just revoke the franchise, already.

Adams Division
Buffalo Plenty of depth to prevail.
Ottawa Last year was last chance.
Boston My list, my homer rankings.
Montreal Howie Morenz is not amused.
Toronto Teeder Kennedy late camp invite.

Patrick Division
Pittsburgh Penguins Might win despite idiot coach.
New York Rangers Expensive FAs never worked before
Philadelphia Flyers Improbably, Hatcher hasn't retired yet.
New Jersey Devils Lou's luck quickly running out.
New York Islanders Owner an OSHL swear word.

Caribbean Division
Carolina Anyone else notice Ward blows?
Washington Lack of backchecking could hurt.
Atlanta New sweater 'Toilet Cleaner Blue.'
Tampa Bay Fonzie somehow holds onto job.
Florida Next coach arrives American Thanksgiving.


Ned Braden said...

Excellent, Excellent my good man

Bill Needle said...

Northwest Division
Colorado Mullet makes KLoweless look dumb
Vancouver Get Sedin-cycle at Canadian Tire
Calgary Who’s Mt. Keenan’s Pompeii? Tanguay?
Minnesota Wake me when it’s over
Edmonton Horcoff trade bait? Nuff said.

Pacific Division
Anaheim Adds Teemu, Niedermayer at Xmas
San Jose Thornton in country-club mode
Dallas Forced to play for shootouts
Los Angeles Looked better in banana uniforms
Phoenix 99 gambling on Tocchet’s return

Central Division
Detroit Like picking PCs in Alberta
Nashville They’ll miss Kariya, Forsberg — Not
St. Louis Tkachuk only good in OSHL
Chicago Responds by raising ticket prices
Columbus Recovering from Bud the Spud

Northeast Division
Ottawa Benefits from shakeout in Buffalo
Buffalo Suspended Numminen – has no heart
Toronto Could Original 6 miss playoffs?
Montreal Heart-and-soul Samsonov gone
Boston Added Schaefer. Oooh, I’m shakin’!

Atlantic Division
Pittsburgh Call it Reebok Hockey League
New Jersey A franchise made for Sutter
NY Islanders Media call Garth Snow genius
NY Rangers Jagr sulks on second line
Philadelphia Lupul is no Gary Dornhoefer

Southeast Division
Atlanta Playing before friends and relatives
Tampa Bay Who needs goaltending? Not Tortorella
Carolina Wrong division to play defence
Washington More golf practice for Ovechkin
Florida Ominous sign: the rats left

Anonymous said...

Do you suppose if someone ever googles "Dornhoefer" + "ominous" this page will forever be the No. 1 hit?

Kate said...

Wow. I'm a fairly new hockey fan, and I just learned more in two minutes than I did in the hours I've spent reading all of the other NHL Previews. Thanks.

mike w said...

Brilliant, sir. Brilliant.